Beginnings, The Doubter, and Doing It Anyway

This is an adapted letter from my Weeklyish Mess newsletter — my love notes on beginnings, doubt, and what it means to live in rhythm with real life. If you’d like these in your inbox, you can join the list at the bottom.

Beginnings are usually the hardest for me. Once I start, I can have great momentum, but there can be such a combination of resistance, hesitation, and/or prolonged overthinking in the time leading up. Hence, the Weekly Mess becoming the Weeklyish Mess.

I knew that regular content would be part of the business after launching, and I knew it would put my regular practice of reflection “out there,” but unfortunately knowing does not equal doing.

I was in the middle of my seasonal cleanse on 11/11 when I put the website out and very much anticipated my first email being about that, along with my first reel. But then I didn’t.

Some spicy, expired notions began to circle my consciousness: already behind, huh? who wants to hear about what’s going on in your head or life? you can’t write about that now, that was so long ago. you already failed.

Queue the DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN.

This is pretty standard for The Doubter, which I’ve uncreatively named this familiar flavor of thought carousel. Now, with lots of time getting to know her and many loving awareness practices that I hope to share with you all, her presence actually signals something good.

Okay, not when she does a total takeover and Netflix unlocks me from my stupor with their “Are you STILLLLL watching?”

But when I’m consciously aware of her, it signals to me that I’m at the edge of comfort — and that, gentlepeople, is the point of my whole stinking website.

How often I’ve heard her and shied away from the scary thing, but that only made her stronger, only deepened and broadened the neural pathways of an avoidant fear response. Letting her run the show didn’t make me happy and made all the things I longed for ache as they appeared farther and farther away.

So now what?

If your inner critic takes up too much airtime, consider taking some time to write down their go-to messages. Create a caricature of them. The Doubter has such a nervous temperament but also gives uptight librarian. This immediately provides a bit of separation between me and these thoughts.

A follow up would be to sit in meditation with them. Take them somewhere pleasant. Ask them what it is they would really love. It’s okay if they don’t respond to kindness, but in my experience, with practice, there is a softening.

I don’t have gratitude for her because of any kind of force or a supernatural ability to just think different thoughts all the time. I’m able to choose different thoughts because I hold The Doubter with love. Because I thank her for her tireless years of service to keep me safe.

Because I realize, you know what, lady? Maybe there’s some wisdom in your ranting. Maybe it isn’t the time to talk about my cleanse. Maybe I’m supposed to be with what’s right here, right now (spoiler alert: we will come back to this often), and that is how I will move forward.

If you were hoping to get my top Ayurvedic suggestions for winter, don’t worry, winter suggestions are coming (she says in her Ned Stark voice). But that’s part of the mess.

The shortest way from A to B may be a straight line, but that doesn’t make it the path to follow.

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